By Charlette Pomme

There are many skills that a coach needs to have in order to be a good coach.

The most notable fall under motivational interviewing which sets the tone and framework for a coaching session. The core principles and techniques are: 

• Open-ended questions: Encouraging dialogue rather than "yes/no" answers. These questions encourage clients to explore their thoughts and feelings without restriction, promoting deeper self-reflection.
• Affirmations: Recognise and acknowledge a client's strengths and efforts, building confidence and reinforcing commitment to change.
• Reflective listening: Paraphrasing or summarising what the client has said, demonstrating empathy and understanding, and encouraging further elaboration.
• Summaries: Recapping what has been discussed, reinforcing key points, and highlighting motivations for change.

Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a collaborative, goal-oriented communication method designed to strengthen a person's own motivation and commitment to change. It is built on empathy, active listening, and the belief that individuals hold the key to their own transformation. Rather than instructing or persuading, MI helps people explore their ambivalence about change and empowers them to move forward in a way that aligns with their values and goals.

At its core, this works because people are far more likely to act on what they say themselves, rather than what they are told. When a client hears their own reasons for change out loud, it strengthens their belief, commitment, and follow-through.

At its core, MI is about guiding, not directing. It shifts the conversation from an authoritative approach to one that elicits self-discovery, fostering lasting and meaningful change from within.

Coaches Aren’t in the Expert Role

Unlike football coaches which design a training programme, the kind of coach we’re talking about has the job of eliciting from their client how they can best make the change they seek. In order to do this they must create a strong partnership with their clients, where everyone understands that:

• The client is responsible for creating change.
• The coach is responsible for facilitating change by using their skills and coaching techniques.
• The power (success) lies in the partnership they form together.

Without this partnership coaching doesn’t work, even if you’ve studied all coaching skills, these skills cannot be powerful and create impact if your partnership isn’t one built on trust and respect.

Compassionate Curiosity

The one skill that unlocks all other coaching skills is what we at Unaggi Coaching call ‘compassionate curiosity’. Where you stay compassionate in your coaching conversation and try to not wish for a specific outcome or route to an outcome for your client. We compassionately work with the client, to understand how the client will get there themselves. 

When we, as coaches practice compassionate curiosity, we're more likely to want to understand instead of fix, and to listen to understand instead of listening to respond.

Compassionate curiosity isn’t just about what your client says. It’s about noticing what’s happening underneath the words, in their body, their energy, and their pace. A pause, a shift in tone, or a change in posture can often tell you more than the words themselves.

A compassionate person is someone who deeply cares about others' well-being, feeling a strong, action-oriented desire to alleviate suffering. When we use compassionate curiosity in coaching, we ‘hold’ a safe space for our clients to explore what is uncomfortable about making change so it doesn’t feel so daunting. Instead of jumping in to fix things, this technique helps your client to feel understood and safe enough to explore their internal world and understand themselves better, empowering them to make positive, lasting change.. 

This is where real change happens, at a level of awareness. When someone feels safe, seen, and understood, their nervous system settles, and they can access clearer thinking, deeper insight, and more aligned action.

When we don’t employ compassionate curiosity, we can sometimes make clients feel rushed to reach their goal, or we can make suggestions that don’t quite feel right for the client. They might make some changes but they won’t last and you put your coaching partnership (where success lies) in danger.

When You Don’t Feel Heard

Here are some signs someone might be hearing your words but not truly listening to you:

• They say “I understand” before you’ve fully shared.
• They jump in with advice or a fix before you finish your story.
• They interrupt, finish your sentences, or steer the conversation away.
• They start talking about their own experience, making yours feel secondary.

When these things happen, it can feel like your experience doesn’t matter. Like there’s no room for your truth. When we don’t use compassionate curiosity, we are in danger of not fully listening and the client will be less inclined to explore change. 

What Breaks Listening

Even with good intentions, some responses can shut down the connection. These are what we call listening buzzkills. They stop the flow of trust and insight.

Here are a few to watch for, whether you’re on the receiving or giving end of a conversation:

• Advising: “You should just...” / “What you need to do is...”
• Educating: “This is actually a great learning opportunity if you think about it like this...”
• Consoling: “It’s okay, don’t feel bad. You did your best.”
• One-Upping: “Oh wow, that’s nothing, wait until you hear what happened to me.”
• Storytelling: “That reminds me of the time I...”
• Shutting Down: “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.”
• Interrogating: “So when exactly did that happen?”
• Pitying: “Oh no, you poor thing.”
• Explaining: “I meant to call, but I got busy...”
• Correcting: “That’s not what really happened though, right?”

(This is referenced from the Moore, Coaching Psychology Manual)

Often, these responses come from a mismatch in how we’re communicating. If someone is sharing from an emotional place and we respond with solutions, it can feel disconnecting. Understanding different communication styles can help you stay aligned with your client, you can explore this further here.

When You Do Feel Heard

Genuine listening feels different. It feels safe. Spacious. Respectful.

You feel deeply heard when someone:

• Stays present,  even when what you’re saying is unclear or raw.
• Tries to understand your perspective, even if it’s different from theirs.
• Trusts your capacity to make your own decisions.
• Doesn’t try to take your problem away, but supports you as you navigate it.
• Holds back advice, unless you ask for it.
• Gives you space to slow down, reflect, and uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface.

True listening is not about fixing. It’s about being fully present with someone, without needing to steer the moment.

Seeing, Hearing and Understanding your Client

In order to build this coaching partnership, your client must feel seen, heard and understood by you. It is a fundamental human need which we all have. It allows your client to feel safe enough to explore their beliefs, reasons for change and their own personal route to success.

We must, as coaches, respect that the route to positive lasting change will be different for everyone. By staying compassionately curious to your client, you can help them to access the parts of their subconscious mind that hold the ‘keys’ to how they feel most comfortable and excited to move forward to make these changes. It can be very different from what works for you and your previous clients so stay open and curious to find out what works for them.

This is also where emotions become powerful guides. When a client learns to tune into what they’re feeling, rather than avoid it, they gain clarity on what is and isn’t aligned for them, and can make decisions that genuinely support them.

At the heart of great coaching is not having the right answers, but creating the right conditions. When a client feels safe, seen and understood, clarity begins to emerge naturally. Your role is to stay present, remain compassionately curious, and trust the process, because the client already holds what they need. You are there to help them access it. From here all your coaching skills will naturally shine and your client will reach the outcome they seek.